You know blogger, I am sure I would have other people reading this if I didn't actually care what people think of me.
I would publish it on my facebook, my msn, if I used twitter on that too. But, well, the truth is I don't want every single one of my friends and family to find out the way I am feeling, what is going on in my life and what sort of problems my family or I are having.
I don't want them to judge me.
And yet, I am quick to judge, for someone who hates being judged I am one of the most judgmental people you will ever meet.
Things in my family are not going well.
Money is an issue... an extreme issue. Like repossession of cars. Like the tax department trying to get us shut down. I don't know what to do.
I am frightened my parents are going to get a divorce. I am frightened I will come home one day and we won't have a job any more. I am frightened my dad will lose his car. I am frightened we will have to sell everything to be able to survive. Actually, no, I am not frightened of any of these, I am terrified.
These people, who do these things like repossess cars and shut down your business, I judge them. I understand they are only doing their job, but what kind of person takes away a persons life? I judge them every time I hear about them. I am so judgemental I feel like ripping their throats out. I fucking hate them. I would not cry if they all drowned in a flood or burned in a fire. I know that is something I should not say, but honestly, I don't fucking care right now.
And, really, the big man upstairs... WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!?! My parents are good people, they work hard, they put a lot of time and effort into every aspect of their lives, and this is how you repay them. 'Thanks for all your hard work but I am going to make life hard for you because that is the way I intend your life to go.' WHAT THE FUCK.
You decided that you would take away my brother when he was just 10 months old. You decided to take my grand parents when they were perfectly fine. My grumpa died from lung cancer... HE NEVER SMOKED A FUCKING CIGARETTE IN HIS LIFE!!!!
I am fucking pissed off. Here I was thinking God was the good guy... he was looking out for us and making sure that life was pretty great. And then he goes and throws it all in our faces. Look where the fuck that got us. I don't understand, how can people believe and love him so much if he does things like this to good people.
I have not admitted this to my friends, sisters or parents. In fact, I haven't properly admitted this to myself. The main reason for me not going over seas this year was because I was too afraid I would come back after being away for 6 months and come back to nothing. Apparently I may not even have to leave. Hell fucking yeah. I am just so fucking stoked about this. If I had $500 000 I would give it all to my parents. That is how bad I want this to end. I want mum to go back and get a proper job. I want dad to hire more people. I want my fucking sister out of this house. It is only making things worse between my parents.
So fucking over this life.
Fucking kill me and take me to a place where God is kinder to the people he 'loves'
Please.
