so, I'm having one of those days again.
It's been happening like once a week lately. today's burst of sadness has come from my lack of love life.
I had a dream last night, it was about a friend and he kissed me. It was beautiful. But, this morning when I woke, I did not feel happy, I felt sad. Sad because I knew that would never happen...? I'm not sure. I think it was more the fact that I was sad no one wants to kiss me. After that I tried to go back to sleep and keep that dream happening.
I am 21 in just over 7 months. I have kissed one boy. Never had sex. Never had a real relationship. My life is pathetic. I have this stupid fucking boy who loves me but I don't want to have to wait for him anymore. I am just so sick of waiting.
You know, I'm not even sure I love him, I think it's more the fact that I love that he loves me. How selfish of me, stringing him along just so I can feel loved.
You know, I actually don't believe my life is pathetic. I would rather travel then be in love. I'd be in love with the world. How stupid of me. I want to go to Ireland and fall in love there. I want to take beautiful pictures of the Brooklyn bridge. I want to stand underneath the Eiffel tower. I want to see the Vatican in Rome. I want to see Buckingham Palace in England.
There are so many things I want to do, I'm willing to put myself in debt to do it, but that's what I want. I don't want to be stuck here with some guy... if I don't do this then I will end up hating him for keeping me here. I know he would never make me stay... but I couldn't leave if I was in love.
I don't even know why I am talking like that... It's not like there is anyone keeping me here. If I left Pozz would understand. She might even come with me.
I found a uni that Newcastle does exchanges with in Ireland. I'm seriously considering it. It would be amazing. Who knows, in 18 months I could be writing a blog from Ireland. I just need to save up a lot of money!!!!
Well, I think that's it. Time to go do my uni work that I have been putting off.
Beannacht. That's Goodbye in Irish. :)
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
Well hello blogger,
it's been a while.
A lot has happened... well not a lot, but a couple of big things.
I have started a bachelor of Business.
I have moved to Newcastle
My parents business went into receivership.
So a couple of major, life changing things there. Dad is declaring bankruptcy... we shouldn't lose the house but there is a small possibilty that we will... also a possibility that we will lose everything.
So, Newcastle is great!!! seriously fantastic. I am loving it down here. most of the time...
I'm having one of those days at the moment. I just feel sad. I feel the need to cry. im cuddled up in bed with my teddy... with gloomy music on... snuggled up in my blankies. :(
I really cant be bothered to write any more... just thought i would update.
Talk soon.
Maddigail.
xoxo
it's been a while.
A lot has happened... well not a lot, but a couple of big things.
I have started a bachelor of Business.
I have moved to Newcastle
My parents business went into receivership.
So a couple of major, life changing things there. Dad is declaring bankruptcy... we shouldn't lose the house but there is a small possibilty that we will... also a possibility that we will lose everything.
So, Newcastle is great!!! seriously fantastic. I am loving it down here. most of the time...
I'm having one of those days at the moment. I just feel sad. I feel the need to cry. im cuddled up in bed with my teddy... with gloomy music on... snuggled up in my blankies. :(
I really cant be bothered to write any more... just thought i would update.
Talk soon.
Maddigail.
xoxo
Friday, June 3, 2011
Pick Me Up Now, I Need You So Bad
You know blogger, I am sure I would have other people reading this if I didn't actually care what people think of me.
I would publish it on my facebook, my msn, if I used twitter on that too. But, well, the truth is I don't want every single one of my friends and family to find out the way I am feeling, what is going on in my life and what sort of problems my family or I are having.
I don't want them to judge me.
And yet, I am quick to judge, for someone who hates being judged I am one of the most judgmental people you will ever meet.
Things in my family are not going well.
Money is an issue... an extreme issue. Like repossession of cars. Like the tax department trying to get us shut down. I don't know what to do.
I am frightened my parents are going to get a divorce. I am frightened I will come home one day and we won't have a job any more. I am frightened my dad will lose his car. I am frightened we will have to sell everything to be able to survive. Actually, no, I am not frightened of any of these, I am terrified.
These people, who do these things like repossess cars and shut down your business, I judge them. I understand they are only doing their job, but what kind of person takes away a persons life? I judge them every time I hear about them. I am so judgemental I feel like ripping their throats out. I fucking hate them. I would not cry if they all drowned in a flood or burned in a fire. I know that is something I should not say, but honestly, I don't fucking care right now.
And, really, the big man upstairs... WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!?! My parents are good people, they work hard, they put a lot of time and effort into every aspect of their lives, and this is how you repay them. 'Thanks for all your hard work but I am going to make life hard for you because that is the way I intend your life to go.' WHAT THE FUCK.
You decided that you would take away my brother when he was just 10 months old. You decided to take my grand parents when they were perfectly fine. My grumpa died from lung cancer... HE NEVER SMOKED A FUCKING CIGARETTE IN HIS LIFE!!!!
I am fucking pissed off. Here I was thinking God was the good guy... he was looking out for us and making sure that life was pretty great. And then he goes and throws it all in our faces. Look where the fuck that got us. I don't understand, how can people believe and love him so much if he does things like this to good people.
I have not admitted this to my friends, sisters or parents. In fact, I haven't properly admitted this to myself. The main reason for me not going over seas this year was because I was too afraid I would come back after being away for 6 months and come back to nothing. Apparently I may not even have to leave. Hell fucking yeah. I am just so fucking stoked about this. If I had $500 000 I would give it all to my parents. That is how bad I want this to end. I want mum to go back and get a proper job. I want dad to hire more people. I want my fucking sister out of this house. It is only making things worse between my parents.
So fucking over this life.
Fucking kill me and take me to a place where God is kinder to the people he 'loves'
Please.
I would publish it on my facebook, my msn, if I used twitter on that too. But, well, the truth is I don't want every single one of my friends and family to find out the way I am feeling, what is going on in my life and what sort of problems my family or I are having.
I don't want them to judge me.
And yet, I am quick to judge, for someone who hates being judged I am one of the most judgmental people you will ever meet.
Things in my family are not going well.
Money is an issue... an extreme issue. Like repossession of cars. Like the tax department trying to get us shut down. I don't know what to do.
I am frightened my parents are going to get a divorce. I am frightened I will come home one day and we won't have a job any more. I am frightened my dad will lose his car. I am frightened we will have to sell everything to be able to survive. Actually, no, I am not frightened of any of these, I am terrified.
These people, who do these things like repossess cars and shut down your business, I judge them. I understand they are only doing their job, but what kind of person takes away a persons life? I judge them every time I hear about them. I am so judgemental I feel like ripping their throats out. I fucking hate them. I would not cry if they all drowned in a flood or burned in a fire. I know that is something I should not say, but honestly, I don't fucking care right now.
And, really, the big man upstairs... WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!?! My parents are good people, they work hard, they put a lot of time and effort into every aspect of their lives, and this is how you repay them. 'Thanks for all your hard work but I am going to make life hard for you because that is the way I intend your life to go.' WHAT THE FUCK.
You decided that you would take away my brother when he was just 10 months old. You decided to take my grand parents when they were perfectly fine. My grumpa died from lung cancer... HE NEVER SMOKED A FUCKING CIGARETTE IN HIS LIFE!!!!
I am fucking pissed off. Here I was thinking God was the good guy... he was looking out for us and making sure that life was pretty great. And then he goes and throws it all in our faces. Look where the fuck that got us. I don't understand, how can people believe and love him so much if he does things like this to good people.
I have not admitted this to my friends, sisters or parents. In fact, I haven't properly admitted this to myself. The main reason for me not going over seas this year was because I was too afraid I would come back after being away for 6 months and come back to nothing. Apparently I may not even have to leave. Hell fucking yeah. I am just so fucking stoked about this. If I had $500 000 I would give it all to my parents. That is how bad I want this to end. I want mum to go back and get a proper job. I want dad to hire more people. I want my fucking sister out of this house. It is only making things worse between my parents.
So fucking over this life.
Fucking kill me and take me to a place where God is kinder to the people he 'loves'
Please.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
I'd rather laugh with the sinners then cry with the saints.
Well, It's been a while blogger.
I'm sorry, I've just been so busy, doing nothing.
Yes that's right. Nothing.
I work 15 hours a week, don't go to uni, don't go to school... and yet, I can't be bothered to write because I am busy doing nothing.
My sister, her partner and her two kids (22 months and 1 month) have just moved into our house. It is kinda crazy. Dex is so full on, all the time. I am not too good with kids... The ones I can hold then give back after 30 minutes sure, no problem. But these ones, they are here to stay... so there goes my tolerance for children.
3 weeks, 3 days, 10 hours and 39 minutes. Until I can find out if I got into uni or not.
I'm a little bit nervous, because, well... if I don't get in then I have no idea what I am going to do. What the hell do I do if all my plans don't fall into place?!?
I will be seriously screwed.
I don't really have anything interesting to say.
Except, when you need willpower it won't be there. Therefore, don't let yourself be tempted by putting yourself in the situation to be tempted.
I'm sorry, I've just been so busy, doing nothing.
Yes that's right. Nothing.
I work 15 hours a week, don't go to uni, don't go to school... and yet, I can't be bothered to write because I am busy doing nothing.
My sister, her partner and her two kids (22 months and 1 month) have just moved into our house. It is kinda crazy. Dex is so full on, all the time. I am not too good with kids... The ones I can hold then give back after 30 minutes sure, no problem. But these ones, they are here to stay... so there goes my tolerance for children.
3 weeks, 3 days, 10 hours and 39 minutes. Until I can find out if I got into uni or not.
I'm a little bit nervous, because, well... if I don't get in then I have no idea what I am going to do. What the hell do I do if all my plans don't fall into place?!?
I will be seriously screwed.
I don't really have anything interesting to say.
Except, when you need willpower it won't be there. Therefore, don't let yourself be tempted by putting yourself in the situation to be tempted.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Keep Your Feet On The Ground When Your Head's In The Clouds
*Disclaimer*
This blog will be depressing. There will be nothing happy in todays post. I'm just having one of those days.
If it sounds too good to be true... it probably is.
A job at as a travel consultant for one of the biggest agencies in the world... sounds too good to be true right... well... interview tomorrow... lets see how that goes. but I do hope I get it.
I have seriously got to make new friends... there is no one in coffs at the moment... they all come back and then leave again... it's like losing them all over again every 12 weeks.
I can't take it anymore... might just become a hermit... move out... live by myself. that could be nice... so much quiet. I don't know who I could live with... as much as living by myself would be pretty awesome I don't think I could afford to pay for everything by myself... thus meaning I would have to find a room mate. oh joy. I guess that wont happen for a while though... which kinda sucks.
It's my birthday soon... how awesome that will be. No friends to spend it with... family will be at work and i have to bowl. oh joy. Time to get drunk I think. HA what a joy that will be.
Once again I feel trapped in this town. This small town with limited opportunities. I'm thinking of ways to get out of this town... It's going to be hard. But I will get out of here.
Lately I have been feeling kind of lonely... No one is here... hardly talking to anyone... soon I will just be speaking to them once a week... then once a month... and so on. what a lovely time that will be.
Sam... I don't know what to do about him... he tells me he loves me, tells me to wait for him... and then leaves... again. I already waited. I waited a year. A year is a long time. And then... he goes and tells me not to bother... to just move on... what the fuck is that. Fuck him. I can't believe he would do that. Even the sweetest of boys are arseholes.
Oh yes... just on a little side note... kind of considering the air force for a career... I want to fly... and that is going to be the only way I can afford to do it.
Feeling so down lately... hopefully my mood picks up.
I don't know... I'm sure it will.
This blog will be depressing. There will be nothing happy in todays post. I'm just having one of those days.
If it sounds too good to be true... it probably is.
A job at as a travel consultant for one of the biggest agencies in the world... sounds too good to be true right... well... interview tomorrow... lets see how that goes. but I do hope I get it.
I have seriously got to make new friends... there is no one in coffs at the moment... they all come back and then leave again... it's like losing them all over again every 12 weeks.
I can't take it anymore... might just become a hermit... move out... live by myself. that could be nice... so much quiet. I don't know who I could live with... as much as living by myself would be pretty awesome I don't think I could afford to pay for everything by myself... thus meaning I would have to find a room mate. oh joy. I guess that wont happen for a while though... which kinda sucks.
It's my birthday soon... how awesome that will be. No friends to spend it with... family will be at work and i have to bowl. oh joy. Time to get drunk I think. HA what a joy that will be.
Once again I feel trapped in this town. This small town with limited opportunities. I'm thinking of ways to get out of this town... It's going to be hard. But I will get out of here.
Lately I have been feeling kind of lonely... No one is here... hardly talking to anyone... soon I will just be speaking to them once a week... then once a month... and so on. what a lovely time that will be.
Sam... I don't know what to do about him... he tells me he loves me, tells me to wait for him... and then leaves... again. I already waited. I waited a year. A year is a long time. And then... he goes and tells me not to bother... to just move on... what the fuck is that. Fuck him. I can't believe he would do that. Even the sweetest of boys are arseholes.
Oh yes... just on a little side note... kind of considering the air force for a career... I want to fly... and that is going to be the only way I can afford to do it.
Feeling so down lately... hopefully my mood picks up.
I don't know... I'm sure it will.
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