You Know It Might Not Be That Bad

Today, I cleared out all my psychology text books. They are sitting in a pile on the floor. Seriously... I could think of a better place... like the bin, but, considering I paid money for them I guess I should probably sell them. Still, I fell good about having cleared them out of my desk.
My travel box is getting bigger. More booklets of countries I will one day visit are slowly piling up. It makes me happy to look at it.
I think, after much consideration, that I am going to start meditation. I mean really... what harm can it do? Surely it will be of some sort of benefit to my body... right..?
Tomorrow I shall start to work out what I want to do with my life. It shall be a fresh start. And it shall be great. Distance education may be involved... Or perhaps change of address... because we all know that would be fun!! The only unfortunate part is that my parents are not cashed up enough to help me live... unlike many of my friends.

Today, one of my best friends said to me "remember when we were happy?". The question, having never been asked it before, took me by surprise. I then realised that I am not the only person who knows I am unhappy. It also made me realise that I am not the only person who is unhappy. One little question, so much realisation. I am unhappy. I am not the only one who is unhappy. There are many people worse off than myself. There are many people better off than myself. I need not be jealous of these people. Here I was thinking I was a good person, helping out my parents frequently, helping my sisters and friends, and then I realised I am absorbed in my world, so absorbed that I didn't even realise one of my best friends is unhappy. How selfish of me. When I think about it, I really shouldn't be unhappy. I have many people who love me and I have a great life.
Today is the time for a new attitude. I'm going to take this time off to turn my life around.

I Never Thought That This Is How I'd Hit The Floor

Monday night.
Sick in bed.
Missing my friends.
Wishing I had someone to bring me soup... not that I necessarily want soup... but it's the thought that counts right.
Week 3 since I have finished university and I am already going insane. I need a hobby. Something to do...
My university website won't let me put in my leave of absence request... that is the only thing I am sure I want to do. I can't even see myself in the future. Can't decide what career I want to do. Somehow I have to figure this all out. I have no guidance. I don't have any one who will lead me in the right direction.
I want to go to Canada. Who knows... maybe I will find a university course over there that I want to do, which would be absolutely amazing.
This weekend I had some friends over. One of them just happens to one of my best friends. When I said hello to him he kissed me on the cheek. Usually I wouldn't think anything about this... but... given who it is, it kind of shocked me. It was sweet of him. So sweet. And maybe, If his history with women wasn't so bad I would consider it, but... he is not exactly boyfriend material. The best part is that he is still my best friend. And I love him to death. I truly do. But some times, not all Love is the kind that makes you go crazy, do stupid things. This love is a best friend love and each day it makes me happy just to see him. :)

We Made Plans To Kiss The Sun At Night.

So... maybe it wasn't kissing the sun... but we did make plans.
Plans that you never stuck to. Plans we never did.
You let us grow apart. You never told me what I needed to hear... I stopped trying. I tried so hard to get you to notice me. You did. And yet, you wouldn't say anything. Nothing. You couldn't tell me how you felt about me. I made it pretty damn clear to you the exact way I felt about you.
It's been over a year... and we don't talk. I still can't see you. I don't even like talking about you. I get all choked up when I see you on face book, when your family talks about you, whenever I see a photo of you... and especially now as I fight so hard the urge to cry whilst I am writing this about you.
Oh God. How pitiful... I am writing a blog about you and we don't even talk anymore. How pathetic am I.
So ridiculously in love with you that it is killing me and I sit here and read all our conversations, look at your pictures, write about you and cry. This was never the girl I wanted to be... someone that was so caught up on another that they felt odd not having them around, that them not being there made life stand still... unable to move on, not willing to forget. It's like an endless circle. It just goes around and around and around in a circle and I still end up in the same useless position as I was when I started.

Love sucks.