Just Give Up And Admit You're An Asshole.

Got in such a bad fight wih my mum tonight.
Things are so tough at the moment. They have been for a while actually. Like really tough. Like working 20 hours a week for free because they can't afford to pay me. Like getting behind in all the bills. Like not being able to have a day off because they can't afford to pay someone to work for them.
It basically consisted of me yelling at her for getting angry at me because I didn't do something. I should have said sorry I didn't do it. But no... Instead I start to yell at her telling her that I work for free for her and that I have to get another job so I can start to save money and not have to ask them for money. I told her she had no right yelling at me. Who the hell am I to say that to my mother.
I get so angry. And it's not fair on my parents they are doing the best they can. Last week I told my mother I wanted a ps3 for Christmas. She said she couldn't afford it. I then had the hide to get angry because she couldn't afford it. I didn't stop to think that there were more important things about Christmas. I felt so amazingly ashamed of myself. There are people with nothing and here am I complaining because I don't get what I want. I then realized that I wasn't angry with her. I was angry with myself for getting angry at her. I am going to struggle this Christmas to buy gifts for people. I don't know how I'm going to afford it. It's so damn expensive.
I feel terrible. My parents do so much for me and I just yell at them. Kinda shameful.

I Hope You're As Happy As You're Pretending.

Fairy pie is going home. Well... Not home... But back to where she is living at the moment.
I can honestly say I don't know what I am going to do. I feel like I am going around in circles. When she is here it all seems ok. It seems like she has faith in me and believes that everything will turn out ok. I don't know why but I do know that her not living here is depressing me. It seems like this past week I have spent more time with her than I have anyone else. I feel so comfortable around her. It's like finally someone who doesn't judge me for being me. Ever since M lost the weight she has changed. It's like she has turned into a whore. Nothing feels the same with her. She leaves next year. All my friends are leaving. Even the boys.
Being here makes me crazy. Apparently this is meant to be the time of my life. I would hate to think what my life ends up being like if this is the best it has to offer.
I want to travel. That's what I want to do. This is the only thing that I'm sure of. I don't quite know how to get there but I will. Flying seems like a good plan. Except it is so damn expensive. I wish I had rich parents. Everything would be so much easier.

We Are Made To Reach For The Stars

Sunrises have always seemed so beautiful to me. I view them as the beginning of a fresh start. Everything that happened yesterday doesn't matter anymore. Today is a new day and you have to live in the present. No point worrying about what you can't change.

Yesterday I went to my friends new house. She is living with one of our friends. So... I went over there and his nanna turns up. But first... I should probably mention that he has an awesome family and they are so nice and friendly it's amazing... anyway... so his nanna rocks up and we start talking about what I am going to do with my life... (on a side note I finally got my acceptance for deference next year!!! YAY!!!) It was awesome. Someone I didn't really know was helping me sort out my life. She gave me options to choose from and put new ideas into my head. I have to say it was great!!! Not only was it helpful it was funny. When his mum chimed in with the suggestion of becoming a nun we all had a good laugh.

I think I am going to look into being an air hostess or a pilot... because that would be amazing!!!
So just a shout out to one of the most amazing families and my lovely Fairypie who I love dearly. :)

You Know It Might Not Be That Bad

Today, I cleared out all my psychology text books. They are sitting in a pile on the floor. Seriously... I could think of a better place... like the bin, but, considering I paid money for them I guess I should probably sell them. Still, I fell good about having cleared them out of my desk.
My travel box is getting bigger. More booklets of countries I will one day visit are slowly piling up. It makes me happy to look at it.
I think, after much consideration, that I am going to start meditation. I mean really... what harm can it do? Surely it will be of some sort of benefit to my body... right..?
Tomorrow I shall start to work out what I want to do with my life. It shall be a fresh start. And it shall be great. Distance education may be involved... Or perhaps change of address... because we all know that would be fun!! The only unfortunate part is that my parents are not cashed up enough to help me live... unlike many of my friends.

Today, one of my best friends said to me "remember when we were happy?". The question, having never been asked it before, took me by surprise. I then realised that I am not the only person who knows I am unhappy. It also made me realise that I am not the only person who is unhappy. One little question, so much realisation. I am unhappy. I am not the only one who is unhappy. There are many people worse off than myself. There are many people better off than myself. I need not be jealous of these people. Here I was thinking I was a good person, helping out my parents frequently, helping my sisters and friends, and then I realised I am absorbed in my world, so absorbed that I didn't even realise one of my best friends is unhappy. How selfish of me. When I think about it, I really shouldn't be unhappy. I have many people who love me and I have a great life.
Today is the time for a new attitude. I'm going to take this time off to turn my life around.

I Never Thought That This Is How I'd Hit The Floor

Monday night.
Sick in bed.
Missing my friends.
Wishing I had someone to bring me soup... not that I necessarily want soup... but it's the thought that counts right.
Week 3 since I have finished university and I am already going insane. I need a hobby. Something to do...
My university website won't let me put in my leave of absence request... that is the only thing I am sure I want to do. I can't even see myself in the future. Can't decide what career I want to do. Somehow I have to figure this all out. I have no guidance. I don't have any one who will lead me in the right direction.
I want to go to Canada. Who knows... maybe I will find a university course over there that I want to do, which would be absolutely amazing.
This weekend I had some friends over. One of them just happens to one of my best friends. When I said hello to him he kissed me on the cheek. Usually I wouldn't think anything about this... but... given who it is, it kind of shocked me. It was sweet of him. So sweet. And maybe, If his history with women wasn't so bad I would consider it, but... he is not exactly boyfriend material. The best part is that he is still my best friend. And I love him to death. I truly do. But some times, not all Love is the kind that makes you go crazy, do stupid things. This love is a best friend love and each day it makes me happy just to see him. :)

We Made Plans To Kiss The Sun At Night.

So... maybe it wasn't kissing the sun... but we did make plans.
Plans that you never stuck to. Plans we never did.
You let us grow apart. You never told me what I needed to hear... I stopped trying. I tried so hard to get you to notice me. You did. And yet, you wouldn't say anything. Nothing. You couldn't tell me how you felt about me. I made it pretty damn clear to you the exact way I felt about you.
It's been over a year... and we don't talk. I still can't see you. I don't even like talking about you. I get all choked up when I see you on face book, when your family talks about you, whenever I see a photo of you... and especially now as I fight so hard the urge to cry whilst I am writing this about you.
Oh God. How pitiful... I am writing a blog about you and we don't even talk anymore. How pathetic am I.
So ridiculously in love with you that it is killing me and I sit here and read all our conversations, look at your pictures, write about you and cry. This was never the girl I wanted to be... someone that was so caught up on another that they felt odd not having them around, that them not being there made life stand still... unable to move on, not willing to forget. It's like an endless circle. It just goes around and around and around in a circle and I still end up in the same useless position as I was when I started.

Love sucks.

FUUUCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the only word that comes to mind.
I am dead. I want to quit uni.
I just failed a course... because the stupid fucking people said I had until week 14 to do this assessment... so they decide that for some stupid fucking reason TUESDAY is week 14... how dumb. it would be friday at 5pm. what fucking douche bag would do that... so now... i have failed. and want to fucking kill myself.

maybe i will just drop out of uni... soooo fucking over this shit.
so sick of being here.

FUCK IT.

Closer To The Edge

This is not where I want to be.
I am not the person I want to be.
When I look in the mirror I see myself as a completely different person. The biggest problem with figuring out that this is not who I want to be or where I want to be is that I have no idea how to change it. I am stuck here for at least another three and a half years. I am surrounded by people who have no goals. All they do is drink and party. They are either funded by the government or have jobs working at KFC or Macdonald's, not exactly a great career opportunity.
There are times when I look at myself and can't help but ask "am I a good person?"
I don't know if I believe I am. I don't do community service. I am not religious. I don't do volunteer work. It is so hard to be so selfless. In giving a gift it is possible and easy to be selfless, but, when faced with reality, is it possible to be selfless in every aspect of your life?
I feel like a bad person. I feel selfish. I feel like all I do is take... but I never give.
Maybe the term 'spring cleaning' can apply to more then just the cleanliness of an area. Maybe I can 'spring clean' my life.
A new me.
A better person.
That is who I want to be.

I am so lost. Lost in this small town that is impossible to get lost in.
I am so lost I am want to leave the country. Leave the country and find myself. Maybe... I won't find myself. Maybe I will... but I really don't care. I just want to get out of this place.
I need to find something to be passionate about. Something to love.
I have my career path set... but you can't make a life off a university degree. There is so much more that goes into life... and really... I am only 1 year into the 4 year course... of which I need to follow up with a 2 year course. Oh... as if that isn't enough... I have to do 2 years supervised practice. Yes... because those 6 years aren't enough. So... please excuse me if I am lacking passion for my university degree.
Psychology is something that I have wanted to do for about the last 7 years. So... I am sure that I want to do this. However... I just want to find myself.
I can't stop asking myself... 'who am I?' Because... really... I have no idea.

I have no idea how to find myself... but I need to find myself soon... before I get so lost I can't find me.

So What Would You Think Of Me Now.

Day five of this stupid fight and still no try at contact.
I have basically cried everyday. Usually, it is just tears, no serious full on crying.
But today... today was different... today I broke down.
I couldn't hold it in any longer.
Deep, loud sobs came from my mouth. They came from the pit of my stomach. Loud, Heavy, painful. The kind of sobs that render you breathless. The kind that leave you crouched over, unable to move, stomach lurching in attempts to stop the tears from streaming down your face.
They hurt. I was crippled. Every time I moved all I could do was sob. My head spun. Sickness brewed in my stomach. All over something that wasn't my fault.
I don't know what to do, but,
They were the tears of heartbreak.

I Can See The Window Closing On All Of My Dreams

A recent (and still on-going) argument with my best friend has left me severely depressed, eating way too much chocolate, listening to sad music, crying at night, sleeping through the day, not socializing and being withdrawn from basically everything.
The tears run down my face as I type this. It makes it hard to concentrate on what I am talking about. The music is like a dull thud in the back of my mind. Creating background noise to numb the pain. The screen is becoming hard to see. It is blurring, making it difficult to type. I can't move. Every ones words seem like chatter I don't want to hear. It just goes on and on.
It has been over 24 hours, and this is the longest time I have ever gone being in a fight with her. It feels weird. Not right. Like something is missing. The smallest things set me off. A memory, a song, a photo, a present. All good things. All things that would usually make me happy.
Being best friends is usually easy. There are no boundaries. Nothing getting in your way. There is no relationship like the one between two best friends. It is hard to break. It rarely becomes fragile. But now, ours is like a thin sheet of ice, preparing to shatter into pieces. Surely it can't really be that way. It can't really happen. It won't happen. Surely. Maybe if I keep telling myself that than it will be true. Maybe, if I sleep for long enough everything will just disappear. Maybe, if I leave it long enough it will be like it never happened.
Just maybe, this could all be true.
I am scared that she thinks I hate her. I am worried something will happen and this is how we will leave things. Not talking, being mad at each other. I am not sure if I can be the one to apologize first. I am not sure when to say sorry to her. I don't know if this will be one of the arguments you just forget and don't need to apologize for.
I don't know what to do.
I am lost.
I am scared.
It can't end like this.

Every Where We Turn More Hatred Surrounds Us

Would you give up your dreams so you didn't disappoint someone...?
What if the person was your father...?
Would you do something for him instead of yourself...?
I was planning on scholarship searching to the states for bowling... but... that really isn't what I want to do. That is what my father wants. I want to go to Canada I want to study abroad. That is what I want. I can't go through my whole uni course doing something that I don't really want to do. I am not passionate enough to do it. It doesn't bother me whether I go or not. All I really want to do is go to Canada.
I am going to do what I want to do. My dad will just have to be happy with what I choose to do. Surely he can't be unhappy with me if I am happy. He would be proud of me if I am doing what I want to do... and if not... then I guess he will just have to get used to it.

You can't go through life trying to please everyone else. Sometimes you have to be selfish. Sometimes you have to do something for yourself. Sometimes it has to be all about you. Spoil yourself.

He Swears He Loves You.

Looking over my last three posts it came to my attention that they have been about Love. So... this time... I will not be writing about love. Instead I shall write about something else. Have to switch things up a bit sometimes. ha ha.

Sometimes... people get struck with bad luck. They do everything right, but for one reason or another, they can't catch a break, everything goes wrong, they encounter more problems in one day than most people encounter in a month.
It is times like these when people just want to give up. They want to stop caring and just let every problem they are having wash over them and take over. Sometimes though, you can't give up. You have to keep going. Push on. Keep going through the pain, through the troubles and problems. Keep going until luck is back on your side. Sometimes... you just need to have a little faith.
I have been watching the Tour De France. I absolutely love it. Lance Armstrong is my idol. I don't cycle... but I do know that Lance is the most inspirational person I have ever seen. His battles with cancer only made him a better and stronger person. They changed him in so many ways. By reading his books he made me believe I can do anything I want to. I truly felt so motivated by reading his books. I would recommend them to anyone!! Now... today, Lance had some trouble... he lost a lot of time. But... I truly believe he can come back. He can come back to win... to take over the race. To get back up there and earn the title that he so rightfully deserves. I have faith in him. I have faith in God to help him. He has done so much for people around the world and I believe he knows he can do it. I want, so much, for him to win!! To take home that final win, earn himself his last tour victory.
Faith is something that is so rare to come by these days. People are afraid to let others see that they believe in God. It is so hard to come across a person that will tell you they believe in God... For so long I didn't believe in God... I didn't care much for my faith... But now, I feel like my faith is stronger, like it means more to me.
This is a different time in my life... it is a new change... a new era if you may. But I am changing... and I am loving it.

Say You'll Love Me Either Way.

The ups, the downs, the exciting parts, the parts where you scream death at them... it could only be love... the roller coaster ride that someone has dragged you onto after you told them time and time again that you didn't want to... that it would end badly... just like every other one.
Each relationship has ending in tears, screaming fits of rage, hate mail and gossip being spread, friends threatening death to them and you secretly hoping that they would wake up to themselves and beg you to take them back... only so you can be the one to break his heart next time. When he does finally call you, if you are one of those lucky girls, you will get sucked in too deep and then before you know it, he is breaking your heart for the second time around... because he obviously enjoyed the trip a lot the first time.
You swear against love, swear you will never let a man into your heart ever again, your bruised and slightly torn vessel that is so vital to your existence... it hurts... making living each day just a little harder then it should be, a little less significant, a little less happy.
And yet, another man comes, spins you the same story, you get to know each other, fall in love, blah blah blah, all is happy... then... BAM!!!! the same thing happens. You are alone, heart broken, lying in bed, curled up in a ball, surrounded by chocolates and empty tubs of ice cream, dirty tissues on the bed around you, you looking like you haven't slept for days... you're hurt, you feel like an idiot for letting him in that far, you should have gotten out when you had the chance.
Now, I am only 19, What do I know about love you ask...? Well... most people would say I know absolutely nothing. Zip. Zilch. Zero. And... well... you're probably right. I am not in love... I have no one to be in love with. There is no one in love with me. I am in no sort of relationship... but... I have seen many people go through the roller coaster ride they like to call 'love'
Whoever is reading this... if anyone... is probably thinking that I am a synical 19 year old who will grow up alone and die a lonely, bitter woman... well... I believe you are wrong. I believe in love. True love... not all this fake love people pass around... Kids... who are 14 years old telling their 'boyfriend' they love them... come on... they have been dating a week and don't even know what the word means.
I believe in the different kinds of love. There is love you can have for your family, your friends, for a pet, for a hobby and there is the kind of love that is true, that is ever lasting, that can not ever be replaced. Love is something you may need to make sacrifices for. Something that you can feel, something that makes you happy every day.
True Love always finds a way.
True Love... is something I am looking for.

Your wilted roses make me cry

The first day of the month.
The first day of the second half of the year.
It's like a new beginning.
A new chance to start over.
New goals.
New dreams.
New ambitions.
It is the second month of Winter, and I am loving every cold, icy morning of it.
The cold brings snow, the snow brings me happiness and happiness is amazing.
Happiness in this world is something that doesn't come freely. Feeling happy about one thing will usually result in you feeling unhappy or guilty about another thing. In the busy cities, happiness is even harder to coma by. Peoples fast paced lives constantly moving, rarely being able to just stop and take in the beautiful world around them. As lame or cliche that may sounds, it is very true. Just recently I witnessed an eclipse. For me, this was very exciting. A natural phenomena that occurs very rarely which people take for granted. In the city, it is almost impossible to even see the sky. You can't see the stars. So how would people in the city have been able to witness this amazing mystery?

Recently, my friend confessed to me that he would like to be married within the next five years. At first when I heard this I took the news as rather confronting. It was unexpected. Something I haven't heard from a person who is nineteen. After I had time to fully process what he was saying it made sense. Knowing that young, who the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with would be amazing. Now, my ability to screw things up is actually rather high. It has happened before. It will happen again. I have always been the one to screw up something good, time and time again it happens. I guess you get used to it, expecting that the love of your life will come along when he does, you just have to sit and wait. Now, having a male person tell you that he wants to get married is refreshing. Men are usually the kind of people who like the single life. No committment right...? When he confessed this to me, it made me think... is romance really dead...? or is it very much alive but well hidden? Maybe, we just need to search for it. The love, it has to be out there somewhere.
Now, as stupid as this post my sound compared to my last post, I do believe this is true. The romance can't be dead. It will never be dead. We just need to find it. We need to find that person who is willing to be romantic. But being alone, well it starts to make you doubt it, you get this little nagging feeling telling you that you won't find love. You will search all your life and still not find it. Well, I have news for you... You will find love, find romance, find happiness... all you have to do is believe and have faith. Something I am working on every day.

Every Step That I Take Is Another Mistake To You.

How is it, that after not speaking to someone for over a year, I am still very much addicted to them and still want to talk to them. How do you get over a relationship that never really had an ending... no yelling, no crying, no cruel words said to, or about each other...
And... to make things that much better... how is it possible that he has moved on and now has another girlfriend. His inability to commit to a relationship with me is what lead me to giving up. After months of trying and months of possibility for him to say something, for him to win me over with this grand gesture of love (not that he needed to try very hard) I finally gave in... accepting the fact that there probably would be no us if I tried... if he wanted it... then it would happen. He didn't try. So I guess he didn't want it.
Now... all the people I have ever seriously wanted to be in a relationship with are pairing up, finding people to spend all their time with, finding someone who will send them a message at the end of the night just to say goodnight. If they aren't in a relationship, they are living ridiculous distances away thus making a relationship possibly the most stupid idea in the world.
Wow... what a good way at reminding you of what a failure your life has become... In this small amount of time between school finishing and now, my socializing has all but disappeared, my friends list has become sparse and my love life... well... that is non-existent.
Friends who go on about relationships, love lives, accidental or random encounters with boys are plentiful. OH MY GOD, I say in perfect shock. However, the shock they believe concerns the fact that they have recently mingled with a male they have no recollection of, really concerns the fact that again I am the person who is being told this. Me. The single friend. The one who has no love life. The one who is lonely. Oh well thank you for reminding me I am lonely. That is just so thoughtful of you. You are simply amazing. NOT. I give love advice to people when I haven't even been in a serious relationship. I have always been the 'go to girl' in my friends. Constantly bombarded with questions of what to do and what it means... I don't understand the logic... hmmm lets ask Maddi... she hasn't been in a serious relationship but hey... she must know what she is talking about... oh right, 'cause that makes sense. Idiot. No, I don't want to give you advice. No, I don't really give a damn about your failing relationship. No, I will not help you with your freaking problems. How about figure shit out on your own. Sort out your own problems. I am not a goddamn book. I am a person, either pay me for my knowledge or get the eff away from me before I slap you.
Now... as of late... I have come to a decision...I have nothing going for me here. I am simply here because I am doing uni. I can't afford to go anywhere else as I can't afford the cost of uni accommodation. I can't get out of here, and I have nothing going for me... wow, what a wonderful combination that is. I need to get out of here. The dull lifestyle is killing me slowly, resulting in me doing nothing for days on end, no motivation to do anything. I will find a way out of this place I call home. When I leave, it will be difficult, but it is something I must do... more for my sanity than anything else.

dreams, belief, faith and all things that go with it.

Being told someone believes in you is a liberating feeling.
It brings a whole new meaning to confidence.
It inflates your ego to a level that is beyond big.
If it is from someone who doesn't usually tell you they believe in you, well, there can be a much bigger result due to their words.
Being told someone believes in you can make you doubt your own plans. Plans that were not simplistic, but were not exactly difficult.
Being told you are believed in makes you start to think about your own opportunities... your own directions.
Canada... the place I have been set on going for over a year... my dreams, my desires, have all been swept away from me in minutes, seconds even.
I used to dream of becoming a professional tenpin bowler. Now... I'm not one to brag, and I don't really have anything to brag about, but I was fairly decent for my age. I wasn't the best, in fact far from the best compared to those before me, but I was decent and I had the mind set that would lead to me becoming the best.
As time carried on, my interest began to fall, high school and socialising became more of a priority and before I knew it, my interest fell to just a regular bowler, one who didn't dream of being famous one day. Tonight, my dad, myself... standing in the kitchen... he tells me I can get a scholarship to the States. In an instant, all hopes, dreams and desires of going to Canada were put to the back of my mind. It took two seconds for him to tell me that and it only took those two seconds for me to want that, to bring back the memories of a young teenager who wanted to be famous for bowling.
My father... he isn't the kind of person who usually says that kind of thing... and he honestly believes in me.
As soon as the idea was in my mind, it took no longer then two seconds for my mind to start arguing against it. Reasons as to why I wouldn't get it, why I wouldn't even apply. "what about Canada?" "do you really think you can do that?" "how will you afford to do that?"
With doubt flooding my mind, my dreams shattered into a million pieces and my faith in all my plans falling into place started to fade.
In my mind it was like a war, a debate, with my self. On one side was the part of me that believed I could do anything, the other was the part that believed I should snap back to reality and that nothing in life ever goes to plan. For a while part two was winning, by a lot... but then... my dad, again, tells me he believes I can get one... told me he believed in me once again.
Maybe, I just need to have faith in myself, in my abilities and in the people around me.
My plans have quickly disintegrated, changed from one to another, dreams and goals made a little different. New planning involved... the possibility of deferring uni so i can concentrate on getting myself to a highly competitive level.
My dreams may have changed in seconds, but my beliefs and my faith is stronger then ever.

the life of a uni student.

recently... and by recently i mean about 3 months ago... when i was just a brand new uni student with eyes that were glazed over due to day dreaming about how fabulous uni would be... i came to the realization that i lack inspiration.
due to this dilemma i decided to come home, snuggle up in my bed and watch one of the most inspiring movies i could think of, 'Remember the Titans'... now... yes i am a HUGE!!!! fan of the movie and of Denzel Washington... but... it truly is the most inspiring movie i have ever seen... certain parts, like the one were they are at the battle ground and the one where Bertier and Campbell finally knock down the wall they had built against each other in an attempt to become friends, actually send chills down my spine, i get goosebumps, and tears come to my eyes. possibly the worst part of the movie is when Bertier has a car crash... the scene, without doubt, brings tears to my eyes every time...
now i know what you're thinking, why the hell is she talking about a damn movie... well, to be honest, i dont even know... all i know is that it inspires me, it re-enforces my faith in humanity which seems to lack fairly often.
but inspiration... it is such a difficult thing to come by in a world that is so full of disaster and danger. people dying all over the world because of un natural causes... guns, wounding people, bombs, distroying cities in one foul blow. how can someone draw inspiration from this... i mean sure if your aim is to go out and rid the world of evil and stop all wars then yeah i guess you would be inspired by this... but for the every day person, who just wants to get through their uni course with the same passion they had for the course at the end as they did at the start, how are we meant to draw inspiration from this.
to be honest... i hate my course. it is deathly boring, and most of it seems pointless... most uni students will sit there and say yes i agree... that is the same for my course... and... if that is true then why the hell are they making us learn this. yes yes blahblahblah... you need to know this to know how far we have come... well woohoo i dont care...
i have six years of uni to get through... and seriously... six years is a freaking long time. i spent 7 years in school, 6 years in high school and now six in uni too... seriously thats over half my life spent in school. tell me one person who isnt going to leave school thinking 'thank god thats over' (no intention to insult anyone there). i mean... im counting down already... till im out of uni, out of my parents house, and living a real life, with a real career, and a house with my nice car. yes that is what i dream of.
in the mean time... i am stuck with little inspiration, psychology boring me to tears... just waiting until my masters course where hopefully it is a million times better.
i have an image of what i want my life to look like, and the kind of person i want to be right now... but really... im not sure how to get there. in a small town where everyone is much the same, how do you break free from the crowd? how do you stand out to those people who will guide you on the right path? they say... that if you want to succeed in a specific area you should surround yourself with the same sort of interests and goals. well thats all well and good to say... but when it comes down to it how do you surround yourself with all these people when there are like 50 people in your course, about 2 of them wanting to go in the same direction as you. so now you tell me 'go hang out with them' well that would be good... if they were actually decent people. i mean seriously... i cant imagine anyone wanting to associate with these people... and to be honest they dont really know what they want to do... so why would i surround myself with someone who isnt even sure of the path they are taking in life... things change, i get that, but you have to start with a goal otherwise... when it comes to the end... you're there with no idea what your next choice of action is, while everyone is pushing past you, there dreams in full view almost in their grasp.
so maybe my choice to stay in a small town where there is a closer one on one relationship with the teachers was a bad idea... maybe i should have gone to a big city, with a big university so i could associate myself with people of the same interest...
when is it the right time to step away from what you are used to and stand out in the crowd?
as the seasons change from autumn to winter, the cold starts to set in early afternoon instead of late evening, you can feel the change effect the people around you as much as it effects the weather. people start to feel lonely as they sit in their bed, too big for one person on a winters night, and surround themselves with blankets instead of cuddling up to that person who they wish was with them. as someone who has been single for a while and is still a virgin... and no i dont have any worries about people knowing that... i have never ever felt the need to rely and depend on a partner... never had to share my bed with a person through the winter... so im here with my usual pattern... as each week gets colder and colder, blankets start to accumulate, pajamas get warmer, and slippers become my main source of shoes... thinking to myself how far i have come compared to most of the people in my life... i have friends who obsess over past relationships, engagements fallen through, people who are pregnant... and i sit here and thank god that i have not been in that situation... im quite content with my single life... i have family and friends... and really arent they the important things? and while im quite content with my single life... sometimes i sit and imagine what it would be like... to walk around town holding hands... to have him give me his jacket is i were cold... that awkward first date that was rather disasterous... and i wish that i had someone there to do that with. but... i can take care of myself and i have for 19 years... no i dont need a man in my life to make me feel like i have some sort of self worth... but when your friends are so caught up in their own current or past relationships it gets a little daunting... being one of the few that has never really been in that situation before... one that has never really had a serious relationship... and one that hasnt ended on bad terms... its a difficult thing to balance... your personal thoughts to the ones you share with your friends... you cant let them know what you are truly thinking otherwise you're fairly sure they wont be your friend for much longer after you tell them to stop obsessing over their relationship and just let it go... so how do you get around telling your friends that sometimes... they need to act like a single person instead of an obsessive couple...?
with the change in season, maybe a change in life shall occur... resulting in inspiration and love. new self images and a new found respect for yourself. at least... thats what i am hoping for.

there is no one more you than you.

I...
love my family and friends
love my dog cat and bird
love unique things
love things that aren't the craze
love taking beautiful photo's
love the beautiful things in life
love the simple things in life
love where I live
love the snow
love the rain
love the cold
love the early morning frost

I...
am 19
am female
am Maddison
am lacking inspiration
am looking for love
am sick of being hurt
am am looking for more in my life
am responsible
am mature
am crazy
am happy
am sad
am confused
am confusing

I...
want love
want happiness
want trust
want faith
want friendship
want to be someone
want to be self assured
want to go somewhere with my life
want to travel the world
want to be successful

I...
hate being lied to
hate not being able to do something
hate being alone
hate when you don't care
hate when people spell wrong or use the wrong grammer
hate not being able to express myself properly
hate not being able to do what i want to do
hate going to uni
hate that I cant be in Canada

I...
will go to Canada
will fall in love
will be happy
will be successful