finally figuring you out.

I have finally figured you out, realized where your priorities lie, realized what you do and say behing my back... I'm finally figuring out that your not worth as much as i thought you were.
You see... when you tell one of your supposed best friends that its too far to drive just for them then yeah its going to hurt them... especially when they live ten minutes away... then when you go and see someone you supposedly hate and tell them not to tell you well yeah... thats going to have you end up in shit too. But wait... theres more... when you tell them that your best friend pisses you off and this is only because YOU are in the wrong (which you fail to admit) yeah... they are going to get pretty pissed. So then of course when you start telling them that they are in the wrong and accusing them of something they didnt do then they will get angry at that also... but then... when you turn around and tell them that they are trading you... the most important guy in her life... for a friend then yeah she will get upset. Very upset! And yet... you sit there assuming that I will go back to you, because everyones knows that thats what always happens... but you see... this time, I'm going to make you hold out for a little longer, put you in pain for just that little bit of extra time.
When you have everyone telling you that you belong together then yeah she will of course feel that way... so in doing all of the above she really feels like shit... feels like forgetting everything that ever happened... feels like... all her world is crumbling down around her... and yet... as one of her "best friends" you still fail to see this... but... if everyone else sees this then how the hell dont you...?

Your ignorance pisses me off.
Your ego makes me angry.
Your mood swings annoy the fuck out of me.
Your attitude makes me upset.
And yet... i still love you, and I still go back to you EVERY time...
I'm not sure why... but I'm sure as hell working on not...

the blog of complete randomness

so i have been stuck at home all evening and have come to the conclusion that i need to clean out my draws and go shopping. like seriously... i have almost zero winter clothes... and like zero summer clothes... however... seeing as how its winter... i think the winter clothes are more important...
so i just found this site... its like super awesome... its called... www.randomlove.com.au and it is freaking sweet. i am going to do one. although... it isnt as good as post secret... that is like amazing!!! :)

omg. going to sydney for schoolies. man it will be soooo fun!!! like i cant even wait... i am going to buy sooooo much!!! and i am going to need heaps of money... meaning... i need to save heaps. :S its going to be like $220 for accomodation... then the trip down there will cost like $200... then food and drinks and things to do and omg... the prices just keep going... its not cool. like way not cool. im just happy i am working on a $15 p/hour pay rate now.

hmmmm i found this really awesome jacket... its like $60... and i think i need to bribe my mother for it... because i want it. bad!!! hahaha. its so nice... and has like fur around the hood. luckily its only fake... no its not real people... dont hate me.

ughhh there are so many things i want. new scarves... new jeans... and jackets... and clothes... and... like everything basically!! lol. how i wish money grew on trees. lol

i didnt realise how random this blog was until i read it... i dont really have anything of importance to say right now... i just felt like writing. so i decided to. lol.

i think i have come to the conclusion that school is a waste of time. my god. it honestly is so stupid. they wonder why teenagers committ... well i mean seriously... with the pressure they put on us... what do they expect... its so dumb. but still... just because i realise it is a complete waste of my life... doesnt mean i am going to go and screw this up... i have wasted almost thirteen years of my life doing this... and i dont plan to screw it up now. i just dont see why it is so damn important...

i kicked my toe the other day... and now the toe nail is coming off. : it is totally not cool. and is rather painful...

well i think that is all i have to say...
except that... i am going to punch my stupid backspace button. *grrrr* lol.

night night
love maddi.
xxx

hopefully i get past this...

sometimes in life the ones who matter most are the ones that end up letting you down... i guess it happens... but still... i mean they're the ones who are meant to be there for you when times get tough... they're not the ones who make the times tough... sure we expect that its going to happen... but it still doesnt mean that when it does happen it doesnt hurt... it does... it feels like a knife... being stabbed right into your chest. then being twisted around while it is still inside you... and pulled back out a completely new direction in order to make a new hole... just so you remember what it has done... just to leave you another hole you have to try and fill... as time goes on the hole heals... but it never completely disappears... the scars are still there... and the minute something happens again the hole is ripped right open again... only this time its bigger... deeper... more lethel then the last... they dont realise this... they really have no idea it is happening at all... but it is... and you can feel it on the inside... it is hurting... more then the first. and the second. and the third. and as it keeps happening... every time it gets worse... every time the hole gets deeper and more severe... every time it gets harder to heal... and the hole stays open that little bit more... every time it makes it easier to hurt then the last... and every time it leads you just that little bit closer to death...
heres a tip for you... telling someone they're not good enough is going to make them feel like shit.
soooo... retreat on wednesday... i am officially excited.
cant wait to get away from this thing they call life. but it shall be super fun... three days with my closest friends... and the rest of the year of course... lol.
so... i just found out the tournament of they year... the one i was looking forward to most... i cant go to... i fucking hate the hsc... it takes the best things out of life... ughhhh... it isnt even worth it... its just something the government introduced to get kids off the street. ohhh i dont know... maybe i can con the parents into letting me go...
maybe...
well...
i think that is all from me tonight...
i shall write when i return from retreat :)
have fun...
love maddison
xxx

its thursday evening... and im home alone...

so... its thursday... and i still havent been to school yet. today i didnt wake up until 1pm. yes... i did sleep thirteen hours last night. wow these pills work well... i havent slept this long in god knows how long... but there is only a certain amount of time that you can stay at home inside. the weather isnt exactly warm. and when you cant wear long pants or a jumper... its a bit too cold to go outside. however... i do love winter... even though its only autumn... but the point is... i love the cold. there is nothing better... im thinking of going to the snow fields next year and working there for a little while... that would be amazing. i could het a job... and snowboard for free...
so... as cold as it was this evening... i went and took pictures... of various things... outside... and it was rather fun. pictures of my dog russel. and also of the yard. i love being on land. its fantastic... i think the best thing is that no one is around... you can run around like an idiot and not have to worry about what your neighbours are going to think... because there 500 meters away from you. so... i had quite alot of fun running around with the russ russ... she is quite a good dog. yes russel is a she... with a boys name... my sister decided she looked like a russ dog toy when she was a puppie. and so she got russel. but i love her. i have no one to talk to... there is no one online and no one home. the parents left home with out me... and the little sister went to school. then to the bowl... so now im home alone. as i have been all day...
mothers day on sunday... meaning i have to buy my mother something. and i havent thought about it yet... older sister said that we should all put in to buy facials and massages... that would be good for her... give her some time to relax... i think she will like that.
there is nothing on television... i have no homework because i havent been at school... so i have nothing to do... the internet can only supress boredom for a short amount of time... and i am fairly sure that once i have done this... i will be bored.
tomorrow dad goes away... and so does the little sister... so its just mum and i... seeing as how the older sisters dont live at home now. we are going to the movies... maybe to see two of them. how exciting. hopefully there is something good on... well... there is but hopefully at the right time.
and then saturday night i might be having friends over... just have to ask mum... hopefully she says yes...
well... i think that is all from me now... so i shall post again soon...
have fun...
love maddi
xxx

stuck at home with the sleepy pills...

life is taking me on this journey. It's long and complicated. It's difficult at times and sometimes boring. It's stressful but fun and can sometimes become a little more then antisipated. But i guess that is the wonders of life.
People are changing and growing into new people and I am not too sure of who they are. I guess I know that the people who matter are still going to be there for me. My sister's, my parents, my family and my best friends. These are the people who matter most in my life. I mean sure... i have other people who i talk to... but people come and go... they walk into your life and walk out of your life... you might sit there wondering whatever happened to that person... but deep down you know that it wasnt meant to be... that you both grew apart from each other... became two completely different people. I guess i just need to be happy with what i have. No regrets. Thats what i live by. Dont regret anything that you have done. Everything happens for a reason... and at one moment in your life what ever you did made you happy... so dont ever regret anything that made you happy... just maybe thats what was meant for you.
so i have this allergic reaction... to what... i dont know... but i do know that it is itchy. and sore. and the doctor has put me on some medication that makes me sleep... alot... but im not complaining. its about time i had some decent nights sleep. im basically falling asleep the whole day. who knew allergys were so tiring.
dads going away this weekend... maybe i will have some of the girls over... maybe some movies... popcorn... junk food... and some girlie things... basically the perfect girls night. it should be fun... hopefully they can all come...
well... time to do the cleaning and then take some more pills... fun for me...
its been fun...
will write soon...
enjoy...
love Maddi
xx