hopefully i get past this...

sometimes in life the ones who matter most are the ones that end up letting you down... i guess it happens... but still... i mean they're the ones who are meant to be there for you when times get tough... they're not the ones who make the times tough... sure we expect that its going to happen... but it still doesnt mean that when it does happen it doesnt hurt... it does... it feels like a knife... being stabbed right into your chest. then being twisted around while it is still inside you... and pulled back out a completely new direction in order to make a new hole... just so you remember what it has done... just to leave you another hole you have to try and fill... as time goes on the hole heals... but it never completely disappears... the scars are still there... and the minute something happens again the hole is ripped right open again... only this time its bigger... deeper... more lethel then the last... they dont realise this... they really have no idea it is happening at all... but it is... and you can feel it on the inside... it is hurting... more then the first. and the second. and the third. and as it keeps happening... every time it gets worse... every time the hole gets deeper and more severe... every time it gets harder to heal... and the hole stays open that little bit more... every time it makes it easier to hurt then the last... and every time it leads you just that little bit closer to death...
heres a tip for you... telling someone they're not good enough is going to make them feel like shit.
soooo... retreat on wednesday... i am officially excited.
cant wait to get away from this thing they call life. but it shall be super fun... three days with my closest friends... and the rest of the year of course... lol.
so... i just found out the tournament of they year... the one i was looking forward to most... i cant go to... i fucking hate the hsc... it takes the best things out of life... ughhhh... it isnt even worth it... its just something the government introduced to get kids off the street. ohhh i dont know... maybe i can con the parents into letting me go...
maybe...
well...
i think that is all from me tonight...
i shall write when i return from retreat :)
have fun...
love maddison
xxx