How is it, that after not speaking to someone for over a year, I am still very much addicted to them and still want to talk to them. How do you get over a relationship that never really had an ending... no yelling, no crying, no cruel words said to, or about each other...
And... to make things that much better... how is it possible that he has moved on and now has another girlfriend. His inability to commit to a relationship with me is what lead me to giving up. After months of trying and months of possibility for him to say something, for him to win me over with this grand gesture of love (not that he needed to try very hard) I finally gave in... accepting the fact that there probably would be no us if I tried... if he wanted it... then it would happen. He didn't try. So I guess he didn't want it.
Now... all the people I have ever seriously wanted to be in a relationship with are pairing up, finding people to spend all their time with, finding someone who will send them a message at the end of the night just to say goodnight. If they aren't in a relationship, they are living ridiculous distances away thus making a relationship possibly the most stupid idea in the world.
Wow... what a good way at reminding you of what a failure your life has become... In this small amount of time between school finishing and now, my socializing has all but disappeared, my friends list has become sparse and my love life... well... that is non-existent.
Friends who go on about relationships, love lives, accidental or random encounters with boys are plentiful. OH MY GOD, I say in perfect shock. However, the shock they believe concerns the fact that they have recently mingled with a male they have no recollection of, really concerns the fact that again I am the person who is being told this. Me. The single friend. The one who has no love life. The one who is lonely. Oh well thank you for reminding me I am lonely. That is just so thoughtful of you. You are simply amazing. NOT. I give love advice to people when I haven't even been in a serious relationship. I have always been the 'go to girl' in my friends. Constantly bombarded with questions of what to do and what it means... I don't understand the logic... hmmm lets ask Maddi... she hasn't been in a serious relationship but hey... she must know what she is talking about... oh right, 'cause that makes sense. Idiot. No, I don't want to give you advice. No, I don't really give a damn about your failing relationship. No, I will not help you with your freaking problems. How about figure shit out on your own. Sort out your own problems. I am not a goddamn book. I am a person, either pay me for my knowledge or get the eff away from me before I slap you.
Now... as of late... I have come to a decision...I have nothing going for me here. I am simply here because I am doing uni. I can't afford to go anywhere else as I can't afford the cost of uni accommodation. I can't get out of here, and I have nothing going for me... wow, what a wonderful combination that is. I need to get out of here. The dull lifestyle is killing me slowly, resulting in me doing nothing for days on end, no motivation to do anything. I will find a way out of this place I call home. When I leave, it will be difficult, but it is something I must do... more for my sanity than anything else.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
dreams, belief, faith and all things that go with it.
Being told someone believes in you is a liberating feeling.
It brings a whole new meaning to confidence.
It inflates your ego to a level that is beyond big.
If it is from someone who doesn't usually tell you they believe in you, well, there can be a much bigger result due to their words.
Being told someone believes in you can make you doubt your own plans. Plans that were not simplistic, but were not exactly difficult.
Being told you are believed in makes you start to think about your own opportunities... your own directions.
Canada... the place I have been set on going for over a year... my dreams, my desires, have all been swept away from me in minutes, seconds even.
I used to dream of becoming a professional tenpin bowler. Now... I'm not one to brag, and I don't really have anything to brag about, but I was fairly decent for my age. I wasn't the best, in fact far from the best compared to those before me, but I was decent and I had the mind set that would lead to me becoming the best.
As time carried on, my interest began to fall, high school and socialising became more of a priority and before I knew it, my interest fell to just a regular bowler, one who didn't dream of being famous one day. Tonight, my dad, myself... standing in the kitchen... he tells me I can get a scholarship to the States. In an instant, all hopes, dreams and desires of going to Canada were put to the back of my mind. It took two seconds for him to tell me that and it only took those two seconds for me to want that, to bring back the memories of a young teenager who wanted to be famous for bowling.
My father... he isn't the kind of person who usually says that kind of thing... and he honestly believes in me.
As soon as the idea was in my mind, it took no longer then two seconds for my mind to start arguing against it. Reasons as to why I wouldn't get it, why I wouldn't even apply. "what about Canada?" "do you really think you can do that?" "how will you afford to do that?"
With doubt flooding my mind, my dreams shattered into a million pieces and my faith in all my plans falling into place started to fade.
In my mind it was like a war, a debate, with my self. On one side was the part of me that believed I could do anything, the other was the part that believed I should snap back to reality and that nothing in life ever goes to plan. For a while part two was winning, by a lot... but then... my dad, again, tells me he believes I can get one... told me he believed in me once again.
Maybe, I just need to have faith in myself, in my abilities and in the people around me.
My plans have quickly disintegrated, changed from one to another, dreams and goals made a little different. New planning involved... the possibility of deferring uni so i can concentrate on getting myself to a highly competitive level.
My dreams may have changed in seconds, but my beliefs and my faith is stronger then ever.
It brings a whole new meaning to confidence.
It inflates your ego to a level that is beyond big.
If it is from someone who doesn't usually tell you they believe in you, well, there can be a much bigger result due to their words.
Being told someone believes in you can make you doubt your own plans. Plans that were not simplistic, but were not exactly difficult.
Being told you are believed in makes you start to think about your own opportunities... your own directions.
Canada... the place I have been set on going for over a year... my dreams, my desires, have all been swept away from me in minutes, seconds even.
I used to dream of becoming a professional tenpin bowler. Now... I'm not one to brag, and I don't really have anything to brag about, but I was fairly decent for my age. I wasn't the best, in fact far from the best compared to those before me, but I was decent and I had the mind set that would lead to me becoming the best.
As time carried on, my interest began to fall, high school and socialising became more of a priority and before I knew it, my interest fell to just a regular bowler, one who didn't dream of being famous one day. Tonight, my dad, myself... standing in the kitchen... he tells me I can get a scholarship to the States. In an instant, all hopes, dreams and desires of going to Canada were put to the back of my mind. It took two seconds for him to tell me that and it only took those two seconds for me to want that, to bring back the memories of a young teenager who wanted to be famous for bowling.
My father... he isn't the kind of person who usually says that kind of thing... and he honestly believes in me.
As soon as the idea was in my mind, it took no longer then two seconds for my mind to start arguing against it. Reasons as to why I wouldn't get it, why I wouldn't even apply. "what about Canada?" "do you really think you can do that?" "how will you afford to do that?"
With doubt flooding my mind, my dreams shattered into a million pieces and my faith in all my plans falling into place started to fade.
In my mind it was like a war, a debate, with my self. On one side was the part of me that believed I could do anything, the other was the part that believed I should snap back to reality and that nothing in life ever goes to plan. For a while part two was winning, by a lot... but then... my dad, again, tells me he believes I can get one... told me he believed in me once again.
Maybe, I just need to have faith in myself, in my abilities and in the people around me.
My plans have quickly disintegrated, changed from one to another, dreams and goals made a little different. New planning involved... the possibility of deferring uni so i can concentrate on getting myself to a highly competitive level.
My dreams may have changed in seconds, but my beliefs and my faith is stronger then ever.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
the life of a uni student.
recently... and by recently i mean about 3 months ago... when i was just a brand new uni student with eyes that were glazed over due to day dreaming about how fabulous uni would be... i came to the realization that i lack inspiration.
due to this dilemma i decided to come home, snuggle up in my bed and watch one of the most inspiring movies i could think of, 'Remember the Titans'... now... yes i am a HUGE!!!! fan of the movie and of Denzel Washington... but... it truly is the most inspiring movie i have ever seen... certain parts, like the one were they are at the battle ground and the one where Bertier and Campbell finally knock down the wall they had built against each other in an attempt to become friends, actually send chills down my spine, i get goosebumps, and tears come to my eyes. possibly the worst part of the movie is when Bertier has a car crash... the scene, without doubt, brings tears to my eyes every time...
now i know what you're thinking, why the hell is she talking about a damn movie... well, to be honest, i dont even know... all i know is that it inspires me, it re-enforces my faith in humanity which seems to lack fairly often.
but inspiration... it is such a difficult thing to come by in a world that is so full of disaster and danger. people dying all over the world because of un natural causes... guns, wounding people, bombs, distroying cities in one foul blow. how can someone draw inspiration from this... i mean sure if your aim is to go out and rid the world of evil and stop all wars then yeah i guess you would be inspired by this... but for the every day person, who just wants to get through their uni course with the same passion they had for the course at the end as they did at the start, how are we meant to draw inspiration from this.
to be honest... i hate my course. it is deathly boring, and most of it seems pointless... most uni students will sit there and say yes i agree... that is the same for my course... and... if that is true then why the hell are they making us learn this. yes yes blahblahblah... you need to know this to know how far we have come... well woohoo i dont care...
i have six years of uni to get through... and seriously... six years is a freaking long time. i spent 7 years in school, 6 years in high school and now six in uni too... seriously thats over half my life spent in school. tell me one person who isnt going to leave school thinking 'thank god thats over' (no intention to insult anyone there). i mean... im counting down already... till im out of uni, out of my parents house, and living a real life, with a real career, and a house with my nice car. yes that is what i dream of.
in the mean time... i am stuck with little inspiration, psychology boring me to tears... just waiting until my masters course where hopefully it is a million times better.
i have an image of what i want my life to look like, and the kind of person i want to be right now... but really... im not sure how to get there. in a small town where everyone is much the same, how do you break free from the crowd? how do you stand out to those people who will guide you on the right path? they say... that if you want to succeed in a specific area you should surround yourself with the same sort of interests and goals. well thats all well and good to say... but when it comes down to it how do you surround yourself with all these people when there are like 50 people in your course, about 2 of them wanting to go in the same direction as you. so now you tell me 'go hang out with them' well that would be good... if they were actually decent people. i mean seriously... i cant imagine anyone wanting to associate with these people... and to be honest they dont really know what they want to do... so why would i surround myself with someone who isnt even sure of the path they are taking in life... things change, i get that, but you have to start with a goal otherwise... when it comes to the end... you're there with no idea what your next choice of action is, while everyone is pushing past you, there dreams in full view almost in their grasp.
so maybe my choice to stay in a small town where there is a closer one on one relationship with the teachers was a bad idea... maybe i should have gone to a big city, with a big university so i could associate myself with people of the same interest...
when is it the right time to step away from what you are used to and stand out in the crowd?
as the seasons change from autumn to winter, the cold starts to set in early afternoon instead of late evening, you can feel the change effect the people around you as much as it effects the weather. people start to feel lonely as they sit in their bed, too big for one person on a winters night, and surround themselves with blankets instead of cuddling up to that person who they wish was with them. as someone who has been single for a while and is still a virgin... and no i dont have any worries about people knowing that... i have never ever felt the need to rely and depend on a partner... never had to share my bed with a person through the winter... so im here with my usual pattern... as each week gets colder and colder, blankets start to accumulate, pajamas get warmer, and slippers become my main source of shoes... thinking to myself how far i have come compared to most of the people in my life... i have friends who obsess over past relationships, engagements fallen through, people who are pregnant... and i sit here and thank god that i have not been in that situation... im quite content with my single life... i have family and friends... and really arent they the important things? and while im quite content with my single life... sometimes i sit and imagine what it would be like... to walk around town holding hands... to have him give me his jacket is i were cold... that awkward first date that was rather disasterous... and i wish that i had someone there to do that with. but... i can take care of myself and i have for 19 years... no i dont need a man in my life to make me feel like i have some sort of self worth... but when your friends are so caught up in their own current or past relationships it gets a little daunting... being one of the few that has never really been in that situation before... one that has never really had a serious relationship... and one that hasnt ended on bad terms... its a difficult thing to balance... your personal thoughts to the ones you share with your friends... you cant let them know what you are truly thinking otherwise you're fairly sure they wont be your friend for much longer after you tell them to stop obsessing over their relationship and just let it go... so how do you get around telling your friends that sometimes... they need to act like a single person instead of an obsessive couple...?
with the change in season, maybe a change in life shall occur... resulting in inspiration and love. new self images and a new found respect for yourself. at least... thats what i am hoping for.
due to this dilemma i decided to come home, snuggle up in my bed and watch one of the most inspiring movies i could think of, 'Remember the Titans'... now... yes i am a HUGE!!!! fan of the movie and of Denzel Washington... but... it truly is the most inspiring movie i have ever seen... certain parts, like the one were they are at the battle ground and the one where Bertier and Campbell finally knock down the wall they had built against each other in an attempt to become friends, actually send chills down my spine, i get goosebumps, and tears come to my eyes. possibly the worst part of the movie is when Bertier has a car crash... the scene, without doubt, brings tears to my eyes every time...
now i know what you're thinking, why the hell is she talking about a damn movie... well, to be honest, i dont even know... all i know is that it inspires me, it re-enforces my faith in humanity which seems to lack fairly often.
but inspiration... it is such a difficult thing to come by in a world that is so full of disaster and danger. people dying all over the world because of un natural causes... guns, wounding people, bombs, distroying cities in one foul blow. how can someone draw inspiration from this... i mean sure if your aim is to go out and rid the world of evil and stop all wars then yeah i guess you would be inspired by this... but for the every day person, who just wants to get through their uni course with the same passion they had for the course at the end as they did at the start, how are we meant to draw inspiration from this.
to be honest... i hate my course. it is deathly boring, and most of it seems pointless... most uni students will sit there and say yes i agree... that is the same for my course... and... if that is true then why the hell are they making us learn this. yes yes blahblahblah... you need to know this to know how far we have come... well woohoo i dont care...
i have six years of uni to get through... and seriously... six years is a freaking long time. i spent 7 years in school, 6 years in high school and now six in uni too... seriously thats over half my life spent in school. tell me one person who isnt going to leave school thinking 'thank god thats over' (no intention to insult anyone there). i mean... im counting down already... till im out of uni, out of my parents house, and living a real life, with a real career, and a house with my nice car. yes that is what i dream of.
in the mean time... i am stuck with little inspiration, psychology boring me to tears... just waiting until my masters course where hopefully it is a million times better.
i have an image of what i want my life to look like, and the kind of person i want to be right now... but really... im not sure how to get there. in a small town where everyone is much the same, how do you break free from the crowd? how do you stand out to those people who will guide you on the right path? they say... that if you want to succeed in a specific area you should surround yourself with the same sort of interests and goals. well thats all well and good to say... but when it comes down to it how do you surround yourself with all these people when there are like 50 people in your course, about 2 of them wanting to go in the same direction as you. so now you tell me 'go hang out with them' well that would be good... if they were actually decent people. i mean seriously... i cant imagine anyone wanting to associate with these people... and to be honest they dont really know what they want to do... so why would i surround myself with someone who isnt even sure of the path they are taking in life... things change, i get that, but you have to start with a goal otherwise... when it comes to the end... you're there with no idea what your next choice of action is, while everyone is pushing past you, there dreams in full view almost in their grasp.
so maybe my choice to stay in a small town where there is a closer one on one relationship with the teachers was a bad idea... maybe i should have gone to a big city, with a big university so i could associate myself with people of the same interest...
when is it the right time to step away from what you are used to and stand out in the crowd?
as the seasons change from autumn to winter, the cold starts to set in early afternoon instead of late evening, you can feel the change effect the people around you as much as it effects the weather. people start to feel lonely as they sit in their bed, too big for one person on a winters night, and surround themselves with blankets instead of cuddling up to that person who they wish was with them. as someone who has been single for a while and is still a virgin... and no i dont have any worries about people knowing that... i have never ever felt the need to rely and depend on a partner... never had to share my bed with a person through the winter... so im here with my usual pattern... as each week gets colder and colder, blankets start to accumulate, pajamas get warmer, and slippers become my main source of shoes... thinking to myself how far i have come compared to most of the people in my life... i have friends who obsess over past relationships, engagements fallen through, people who are pregnant... and i sit here and thank god that i have not been in that situation... im quite content with my single life... i have family and friends... and really arent they the important things? and while im quite content with my single life... sometimes i sit and imagine what it would be like... to walk around town holding hands... to have him give me his jacket is i were cold... that awkward first date that was rather disasterous... and i wish that i had someone there to do that with. but... i can take care of myself and i have for 19 years... no i dont need a man in my life to make me feel like i have some sort of self worth... but when your friends are so caught up in their own current or past relationships it gets a little daunting... being one of the few that has never really been in that situation before... one that has never really had a serious relationship... and one that hasnt ended on bad terms... its a difficult thing to balance... your personal thoughts to the ones you share with your friends... you cant let them know what you are truly thinking otherwise you're fairly sure they wont be your friend for much longer after you tell them to stop obsessing over their relationship and just let it go... so how do you get around telling your friends that sometimes... they need to act like a single person instead of an obsessive couple...?
with the change in season, maybe a change in life shall occur... resulting in inspiration and love. new self images and a new found respect for yourself. at least... thats what i am hoping for.
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